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a bizarre splash-panel

a ¾-page ad

a one-page gag-strip

he totally whips Mickey’s keister

the tiny, minimalist nipple-shot

Peter Lorre

a one-page ad

the zoo’s gorilla cage

the cackling Madame Zora

a nicely-drawn one-page ad

a black-and-white, inside-back-cover strip-ad

”Patsy Walker” first appeared in the pages of the second issue of MISS AMERICA MAGAZINE (cover-dated November, 1944), which also featured a photo-cover depicting a teenage superheroine named “Miss America”. Patsy was essentially the female equivalent of Archie/MLJ’s “Archie Andrews”, complete with red hair and all the typical teenage accoutrements, including a boyfriend (Buzz Baxter) and rival (Hedy Wolfe), friends, parents, teachers and a generic home town (Centerville). Patsy Walker proved to be so popular that she was awarded her own title, PATSY WALKER, in 1945; the title lasted for a solid 124 issues. Patsy also spawned three spin-off titles, A DATE WITH PATSY, PATSY & HEDY, PATSY & HER PALS and PATSY WALKER FASHION PARADE. Patsy Walker also appeared in other titles from Timely/Atlas/Marvel, including ALL TEEN, GIRL’S LIFE and TEEN COMICS. Some of these series even incorporated the gimmick of featuring readers’ fashion designs, cribbed from “Bossman” Bill Woggon’s creation for Archie Comics, “Katy Keene, The Pin-Up Queen”. Although “Patsy Walker” started out as a humor feature, the approach to the character varied in phases, sometimes taking on a tone more appropriate to romance comics. Marvel’s final issue of a “Patsy”-related comic was PATSY & HEDY No. 110 (Feb., 1967) but that wasn’t her final appearance. Only a few years later, Patsy (accompanied by Buzz Baxter) returned -- but now in the increasingly frenzied world of Marvel superheroes -- in a new “Beast” series (spun off from the X-MEN) appearing in Marvel’s AMAZING ADVENTURES No.  13 (July, 1972). By this time, Patsy had finally married Buzz -- who was now an officer in the U.S. Air Force -- but unfortunately, their marriage was in trouble. If this wasn’t bad enough, Buzz and Patsy eventually divorced, she became a feline superheroine named “Hellcat” and he became a crazed supervillain named “Mad Dog” who resembled a humanoid pit bull! Later, Patsy palled around with the Avengers and then actually joined the Defenders. She even re-married, this time to Daimon Hellstrom, AKA “The Son Of Satan”. After a number of even more depressing exploits, Patsy Walker remains operating in the so-called Marvel Universe as Hellcat, specializing in demon-fighting.  Something tells me that Patsy was much better off back as a teenager in 1950s’ Centerville, USA.

This series’ original title was MISS AMERICA COMICS and was cover-dated Summer, 1944; with its second issue, it became MISS AMERICA MAGAZINE; the title changed once again, with its 51st issue -- cover-dated July, 1953 -- to simply MISS AMERICA. The final issue of the series was No. 93, cover-dated November, 1958. Many issues had photo-covers, one of which (Volume 4, Number 3, cover-dated July, 1946) featured Elizabeth Taylor.

This 52-page issue’s 8-page “Patsy Walker” lead story is tiled “Cheating The Cheaters!” After a bizarre splash-panel in which Patsy advises a young king -- who resembles her boyfriend, Buzz Baxter -- to behead her brunette rival, Hedy Wolfe, this tales begins as Patsy sits in a hammock, reading a thick hardback book titled GREAT MEN:

PATSY WALKER (reading):
“…And behind EVERY great man, there is a WOMAN! A woman whose love and sacrifice is devoted to the success of the man she BELIEVES in!”

PATSY WALKER (speaking):
(Sigh) If only there were someone I could get behind! Someone whose success I could nobly DEVOTE myself to!

Just then, Patsy’s father and a fat man named Brown walk by, deep in discussion:

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Did you read the mayor’s statement about appointing some sap to be Park Commissioner?

MR. DAVID BROWN:
Yeah. He wants average citizens to send in their names for consideration!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
What a dull job that would be! Nothing but DISCUSSIONS to listen to!

MR. DAVID BROWN:
Me for the wide open spaces of the park and not some meeting room to talk about it in!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
How about getting together and playing some ball?

MR. DAVID BROWN:
You’ve got something there! Call me on it soon!

Eager to follow the advice she’s just read in GREAT MEN, Patsy eagerly begs her father to allow her to help his career:

PATSY WALKER:
Father! Father! This is it! This is my chance to get behind a man of DESTINY!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Calmly, calmly, Patsy! Let’s sit down and talk over whatever is bothering you!

PATSY WALKER:
I can help mold your career! I can devote myself to your success! Oh, Father!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
I’m greatly impressed, Patsy, but I must admit I still don’t get it!

PATSY WALKER:
The Park Commission, Father! If you were appointed, think of the honor -- the dignity! It might lead to your becoming an outstanding personality! I can see it all now -- mayor, governor, and then PRESIDENT of the United States!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:

You know, Patsy, that’s a thought! We’ll keep it a secret from Brown! And won’t he be SURPRISED?

PATSY WALKER:
Oh, Father, I’ll be such a HELP to you! Watch and see!

The next day, Patsy’s boyfriend, Buzz, is about to suggest they get together, but Patsy cuts him off, informing him that she’ll be “greatly occupied” handling her father’s career:

PATSY WALKER:
Farewell for now, Buzz, and try to understand! My father needs my complete and utter devotion -- maybe someday when he is launched, I’ll do the same for you!

Soon, Patsy is driving her dad nuts, picking out his clothes and arranging every minute of his spare time, all for the cause of preparing him for his high-falutin’ future. Fortunately, his wife has a solution:

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Things’ve gone far enough! Patsy is a positive slave driver! Nothing I do seems RIGHT these days!

MRS. MARY WALKER:
Well, dear, you DID encourage her!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Well, I’d like to get out of this unholy pact! Can’t you suggest something, Mary?

MRS. MARY WALKER:
The only way you can do that is to switch Patsy’s energies to SOMEONE ELSE!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
You mean have her transfer her noble endeavors to some OTHER unfortunate male?

MRS. MARY WALKER:
Of course! And why not? Who can USE inspiration? Say -- er -- Buzz?

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Mary, you are an absolute genius! Buzz is JUST the one!

MRS. MARY WALKER:
He’ll probably APPRECIATE Patsy’s efforts!

The next morning, at breakfast, Mr. Walker kindly informs his daughter of his decision:

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
…And after careful consideration, Patsy, I feel it my duty to relinquish your unceasing attempts in my behalf in favor of a more worthy cause!

PATSY WALKER:
But, Father!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Tut, tut, Patsy, it’s all decided! Buzz Baxter has not been doing as well as he should, on Centerville High’s basketball team! Not only does he need an inspiration, but Centerville High can be victorious!

PATSY WALKER:
You’re right, Father! I see my duty clearly now! I can serve a dual purpose -- Buzz AND Centerville High! You are being very noble, Father!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Forget about me, Patsy! In fact, I’ll HELP you in your campaign to aid Buzz!

Surprisingly, when Buzz learns of Patsy’s intentions, he’s actually pleased. But that afternoon, while Patsy and her father are training Buzz, Centerville’s mayor happens to be driving by. Seeing that the trio are frolicking on a piece of land that’s clearly marked “KEEP OFF THE GRASS”, he orders his chauffeur to stop and let him out of his limousine so he can lecture Mr. Walker:

MAYOR:
Mr. Walker, can’t you read signs?

BUZZ BAXTER:
Ulp!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
The mayor!

MAYOR:
Humph! It’s for a good reason that I drive through the park every day! Your name will be stricken from the list! Fine Park Commissioner YOU’D make!

Although slightly embarrassed by the encounter, Mr. Walker isn’t particularly disappointed; dreary meetings really don’t appeal to him. But when they happen to run into Nancy, the teenage daughter of Mr. Brown, Mr. Walker learns that her father is still hoping to be the new Park Commissioner. Feeling betrayed, Mr. Walker decides to set a trap for his rotund friend. After letting his family in on his trick, he calls Mr. Brown, and the next day, they’re walking, running, laying and playing baseball on the lawn marked “KEEP OFF THE GRASS”:

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
I have a confession to make, Dave! My motive for getting you out here today was not purely for muscle building purposes!

MR. DAVID BROWN:
Get it off your chest! I’m listening!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
As long as the mayor foiled my plans and didn’t show up today I guess you’ll get the appointment you’re after!

MR. DAVID BROWN:
Appointment? Haw, haw, haw! So you fell for it!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Fell for what?

MR. DAVID BROWN:
I don’t want that dull post! But I thought if I let word get around, you’d try, and maybe be stuck with it!

MR. STANLEY WALKER:
Ha, ha, ha! That’s a good one! Ha, ha!

MR. DAVID BROWN:
Cheating cheaters! Ha, ha!

Suddenly, both of their daughters arrive together -- but too late -- to warn Mr. Walker and Mr. Brown that the mayor is on his way:

MAYOR:
I see you have a playmate today, Walker! Well, I’ve decided that the one way of handling this is to put you both on the Park Committee! Maybe you’ll learn the laws THAT way! It’s settled! Meeting tonight!

If that weren’t bad enough, Patsy and Nancy can’t wait to assume their roles as “the women behind the men”:

PATSY WALKER:
Congratulations! I’ll be right behind you to help guide you! You can depend on me!

NANCY BROWN:
Same goes for me!

MR. STANLEY WALKER/ MR. DAVID BROWN:
We’re in for it now!

Also included in this issue of MISS AMERICA MAGAZINE are the following stories, features and advertisements:

• “It’s Easy To Win Him!...When You Know How!”, a black-and-white inside-front-cover ad for a book titled HOW TO GET ALONG WITH BOYS, available via mail-order from “Stravon Publishers”.

• A ¼ -page “Table Of Contents”.

• “True Or False? It’s A Mistake To Go Swimming On ‘Those Days’”, a ¾-page ad for “Growing Up And Liking It”, a booklet promoting “fine Modess napkins” available through mail-order from “Anne Shelby” at “Personal Products Corp.”

• “Patty Pinhead”, a one-page gag-strip featuring a little girl who may be a distant relative of cartoonist Bill Griffith’s “Zippy The Pinhead”.

• “Gorgeous Dresses For You Without Paying 1¢…”, a one-page ad soliciting for “mothers and housewives” to sell catalog items to their friends and relatives from “Harford Frocks, Inc.”

• “Lana” in “Car Trouble!”, drawn by Bill Williams. -- When Lana -- a red-haired young actress -- volunteers her boyfriend Mickey to drive her two hundred miles upstate to appear in a summer stock play, he balks at the idea: “You know how many times I’ve asked you to quit the theater and marry me! I will NOT drive you to any summer stock company!” But after Lana fires a few eye-daggers at him, the easily-intimidated Mickey finds himself, with Lana, en route for the upstate theater. But with 150 miles to go, Mickey gets a flat tire. While he attempts to change tires, Lana asks a farmer if he knows where the summer stock is -- and he leads her to his barn full of bulls and horses. Eventually, Mickey successfully changes his jalopy’s tire and hours later, he and Lana finally arrive at the upstate East Podunk Playhouse. There, her producer, Mr. Starr, introduces Lana to her new leading man, Chick Chadwick, a dashing-looking fellow who owns six cars -- “all convertibles”! (For some strange reason, he looks familiar to Lana, but she just can’t remember exactly where she’s seen him before.) By the next day, Chick’s taking Lana on car rides in his flashy vehicles; meanwhile, she’s hardly even spoken to poor Mickey since she’s met Chick. This continues day after day, until Mickey is inspired to ask a stranger if he’d like to have his blue convertible washed and waxed for only 50¢, While he’s got the car, Mickey drops by the playhouse to impress Lana, but when he catches his actress girlfriend and Chick Chadwick rehearsing a love scene from their play, Mickey incorrectly assumes it’s the real thing and takes a swing at Chick -- but misses. Unfortunately for Mickey, Chick excels in “the art of fisticuffs” and he totally whips Mickey’s keister. Meanwhile, the local police suddenly arrive at the East Podunk Playhouse, hot on the trail of a “dirty crook”. At first, Mickey assumes that they’re after him for not returning the car he “borrowed” earlier, but instead, they’re looking for Chick! “On behalf of the state, we wish to express our gratitude to you, Miss Lane, for tipping us off to the whereabouts of “Slick Chick Chadwick”…ex-car thief!” (Hey, wait just one minute…the star of this story is named “Lana Lane”?!? Quick, call DC’s lawyers!) Lana reveals that she finally remembered where she’d seen Chick before; it was in a post office, where his photo was on a “Wanted” poster for a car thief! That night, while they smooch under the stars, Lana informs Mickey that they’ll spend the reward money to “fix up this wonderful old jalopy”.

• A page of two ½-page “Frankie Fuddle” gag-strips, both of which feature his stereotypically cheap Scottish relative, “Uncle Scotty”.

• “Bashful Betty”, a one-page strip-ad for “The Flat Front Tum-E-Lift, the best ready-made supporter ever created or your money back!”, available by mail-order fro “The S. J. Wegman Co.” (Please note the tiny, minimalist nipple-shot in the lower right corner of this ad. Hey, it’s no wonder why Betty is so bashful!)

• “Hedy De Vine” in “Target For Tonight!” -- At the big Milk Fund Benefit, blonde Hedy‘s operating a shooting gallery booth when her rival, red-haired Sandra Styles drops by to chide her: “Don’t kid ME, Hedy. I’m here for PUBLICITY, and so are you!” But Sandra’s interrupted when an announcement is made over the loudspeaker system -- apparently spoken by Clark Gable -- that ”The star who raises the MOST money will officially present the money to the Milk Fund for the RADIO, NEWSREELS, NEWSPAPERS. And all the big stuff! Fellow hams, GET TO WORK!” Hearing this, super-competitive Sandra returns to her refreshment stand, which is bound to be the top earner. Determined to make a significant contribution to the fund, Hedy tries to drum up business with a fish-eyed chap who is, apparently, Peter Lorre: “What? You want ME to shoo-oot clay PEEGEONS? Theenk of my raputation, Haydee! I who haf shot at the screen’s BEEGEST stars! I cannot stoop to leetle peegeons I prefer STRANGULATION! Eet ees so THREELEENG!” Next, Hedy attempts t attract the attention of a cowboy who looks exactly like Gary Cooper, but he expects to be paid for his sharp-shooting -- and so does his horse! Then, a Katherine Hepburn lookalike turns down Hedy, and so does a guy who’s a spitting image for Walter Pigeon, who reacts in outrage, “What, ME! Shoot a PIGEON?” Finally, Hedy spots Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, and offers him one of her rifles, but “the toughest guy in pictures” says he’d be “frightened to DEATH just TOUCHING that thing”. While comparing notes with a Jimmy Durante-drawing caricaturist -- who may resemble this story’s unidentified artist -- who’s not doing any better at fund-raising than she is, Hedy has a “wonderful idea”. Before long, Hedy’s booth has a long line of folks waiting to participate; she and the caricaturist decided to combine their talents and now her targets are drawings of Hollywood’s top celebrities: “Step up and take a shot at a HOLLYWOOD STAR! If you don’t like the way they ham it up and steal your scenes, step right up and mow ‘em down!” But first, Hedy needs to take a few shots at her favorite Hollywood target -- Sandra Styles! Later, Clark Gable announces that Hedy will present the charity’s earnings to the Milk Fund officials. Sandra’s only reaction? “Oooh! Shoot!”

• “Terry’s Triumph”, a two-page text-story.

• “New Hope For Bad Skin Sufferers”, a one-page ad for the “Dornol Double-Acting Formula” skin cream, available via mail-order from “Dornol Products, Inc.”

• “The Show’s On, Gang! New! Super-Duper! Simply Terrific! Television Bank”, a one-page ad for a miniature, light up device that resembles a television, one that “thrills you and your friends pop-eyed!”, available through mail-order from the ““Kent Merchandising Co.”

• “Jeanie” in “Monkey Business!” -- Jeanie and her friend Pam are comparing notes about their respective boyfriends. Jeanie’s boyfriend Jeff -- a black-haired duplicate of Archie Andrews -- is taking her to the swanky El Mocambo Club, but when she suggests that they double-date, Pam turns down the invitation, explaining that her boyfriend, Chic, is saving his money for a new car. This puts the thought in Jeanie’s head that perhaps Jeff feels that he can’t save any money because of her demands. The next day, Jeff drops by Jeanie’s home, and is surprised when she informs him that they’re staying home that night rather than going out to the El Mocambo. She feels that Jeff has been spending “entirely too much money” on her, so from now on, they’re going on “inexpensive dates”. Although Jeff has no problem with spoiling Jeanie, he’s delighted by her thoughtfulness. But he’s less than delighted when he learns that Jeanie has planned a day at the local zoo -- and that they’ll be taking along her mischievous little nephew, Bucktooth! Jeanie claims that, “A trip to the zoo is no good without a sweet little child to help us enjoy it.” Although Jeff flatly refuses to take along Bucktooth on their date, the next panel finds the trio at the zoo, looking at the elephants. When Bucktooth begs to feed a peanut to one of the pachyderms, Jeff lifts him up for an easier reach, but instead of offering the elephant a goober, the little monster secretly pours ground pepper into the innocent creature’s trunk, provoking the beast into squirting a blast of water into Jeff’s face. Next, Bucktooth pulls out a “beanshooter” but Jeff immediately confiscates it. Unfortunately for Jeff, Bucktooth has a second beanshooter, which he uses to fire a volley of projectiles at a cage full of monkeys, who, when they see Jeff holding the first beanshooter, retaliate by hurling everything in their cage that isn’t nailed down at the poor guy. Furious, Jeff tries to grab Bucktooth, but Jeanie stops him, even though he pleads, “Please, Jeanie -- it’s feeding time in the lion house and Bucktooth is such a sweet kid! A perfect dessert!” Meanwhile, Bucktooth has stolen a bunch of bananas from a stereotypical Italian fruit-cart vendor, and when the fruit seller gives chase, the kid tosses the banana-bunch into the zoo’s gorilla cage. Jeff winds up having to pay for the stolen goods to the irate Italian, so he delivers a wail-inducing spanking to Bucktooth. When the gorilla sees his benefactor treated so harshly, it gets very upset. So when -- out of Jeanie and Jeff’s sight -- throws his hat into the gorilla cage and his auntie finally spots it, she assumes that her troublemaking nephew has been “eaten alive”! Jeff reaches into the cage to retrieve Bucktooth’s hat -- “at least it’s a souvenir to remember him by!” -- the gorilla grabs him and beats the soup out of him. The next day, Jeanie pays a visit to Jeff, who’s laid up in a hospital bed: “But Jeff, you DID save money!”

• “Shop By Mail”, a page of classified ads for a variety of items and services.

• “Mitzi” in “Crystal Clear!” -- Black-haired Mitzi is trying to get her boyfriend Chip to take her to the newly-opening amusement park, but discovers that he’s going with Lydia, who has free passes to the place. Later, at the carnival, while admiring gold ankle bracelets, Mitzi and her red-haired girlfriend Daisy. Determined to get even with cheap Chip, while Daisy distracts Lydia and Chip by chatting with them, Mitzi enters the nearby tent of gypsy fortune teller Madame Zora. Inside, she convinces the cackling Madame Zora to let her take the fortune teller’s place so that she can give a reading to her blonde rival, Lydia. With some help from Daisy, Lydia enters the fortune teller’s tent alone, and the phony “Madame Zora” proceeds to read the lines in the palm of Lydia’s hand. Gazing into her magic crystal ball, Mitzi pretends to see “a tall young man” with the initials of “C.C.” -- Chip Chambers! She tells Lydia, “He DOES NOT LIKE YOU! In fact, you do not attract men at ALL!” But unknown to Mitzi, Lydia recognizes her by her ankle bracelet, one with the name “Mitzi” clearly embossed on it. (This is pretty funny when you consider that Mitzi’s “Madame Zora disguise” consists of an orange robe, a purple scarf and a very thin veil that doesn’t even slightly mask her features!) Now wise to Mitzi’s scheme, Lydia refutes “Madame Zora’s” reading, informing her that “Chip Chambers said I’M the NICEST girl he EVER DATED!” Determined to wring the truth from Chip, Mitzi removes her disguise and catches up with Lydia and Chip in the Fun House, where she demands to know when and why Chip told Lydia she’s the nicest girl he’s ever dated. When he denies this, Mitzi demands that he prove it. Chip responds by buying Mitzi a big heart-shaped box of chocolates. (What kind of “proof” is that?) While Mitzi wonders why Lydia doesn’t get “a date of her own”, Chip notices that they seem to have “lost” her. Strolling past Madame Zora’s tent, Mitzi convinces Chip to go inside and have his fortune told. “Madame Zora” -- now Lydia in disguise -- tells Chip that he is “fascinated by a beautiful blonde whose initials are ‘L. P.’” Sneering, oblivious Chip refutes this, saying, “HA! LYDIA? I wouldn’t be seen with her at a DOG fight…if she didn’t have PASSES for everything!” Outraged by this, Lydia reveals herself by clobbering Chip over the head with Madame Zora’s crystal ball. Later, Mitzi cuddles with Chip: “Oh, I hope you’re not HURT, Chip! When you told Lydia HER BAD fortune, it turned out to be YOUR misfortune!” But Chip is enjoying Mitzi’s treatment, “MISFORTUNE? I could go on like THIS FOREVER!”

• “Chew Improved Formula Chewing Gum Reduce Up To 5 Pounds A Week”, a one-page ad for “Kelpidine chewing gum”, available via mail-order from the “American Healthoids Company”.

• “Make Your Own Records -- Sing! Talk! Act! Play Any Musical Instrument!”, a one-page advertisement for a device that allows one to “enjoy making records in the privacy of your own home”, available by mail-order from the “Seegee Company”.

• “Let’s Face It…You Need A Tummy-Flattener! -- Whee! … What A Difference! This Really Takes Me In!”, a nicely-drawn one-page ad for “Tummy Flattener” girdles, available via mail-order from the “Ward Green Co.”

• “How ‘Mini-Gym’ Turns Dateless Dorothy Into Dazzling Dotty!”, a black-and-white, inside-back-cover strip-ad for “Joe Bonomo’s New Magic Deluxe ‘Mini-Gym’”, available through mail-order from the “’Mini-Gym’ Corp.”

• “Small Bust Women Special Design ‘Up-And-Out’ Bra Gives You A Fuller, Alluring Bustline Instantly”, a back-cover ad for bras in the colors of “nude, white, black and blue”, available via mail-order from “Tested Sales”.

ODDBALL FACTOID – Cartoonist Bill Williams also collaborated with cartoonist John Stanley in co-creating Dell’s KOOKIE, an Oddball classic from the early 1960s about a cute blonde waitress working at a beatnik-filled coffee house!

New Next Week: ODDBALL COMIC #1,212, FREBRUARY 18, 2008: Move over, Captain Tootsie! Step off, Kool-Aid Man! Hit the road, Buffalo Bee! It’s time to meet that forgotten purveyor of sugary goodness -- and friend to dentists everywhere -- CHOO CHOO CHARLIE, the loco-for-locomotives commercial spokescharacter for “Good And Plenty” licorice candy! Even ODDER, it’s written and drawn by that legendary cartoonist John (LITTLE LULU, MELVIN MONSTER) Stanley! Pretty sweet, huh?

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